January 22, 2010 - # 26 No way

30 Ways in 30 Days...

26.  Lesley D. "What about surrendering to there not being 'a way'"

I fell asleep last night trying to wrap my head around this idea of doing by not doing, surrendering to stillness.  I woke up this morning with the same thoughts circling my head just out of my reach.  Lesley D. is the third yoga teacher I can remember challenging me to be still and 'not do'.  

Doesn't sound so hard, does it?  

Well if you are me, being still is one of the most elusive concepts that I have met to date.  I remember a few years ago, walking out of an amazing training with Sarah Powers.  I was with my one of my yoga teachers at the time, and in all my excitement I began verbosely explaining how I had gotten it, it all made sense, I finally understood - I couldn't wait to get back to a bookstore and read everything I could and learn more!!  I was on fire.  When I had finished, she looked at me, smiled and said "No. It will come when you stop trying to intellectually understand it. Get out of your head." My friend, my teacher, had just stuck a pin in my balloon.  I was devastated as silly as it sounds.  But this woman was someone that I looked up to and admired and I felt as if she was thinking 'you silly girl, you have so much to learn'....

EGO!  First of all, of course I have much more to learn, I hope be a student til the day I take my last breath - and if I start my doctorate this year that may not be far from the truth ;-)  Second, my reaction to her comments, were a perfect example of what she was trying to teach me.  She was not pointing out my ignorance, although at the time I would have begged to differ.  I couldn't understand why she would shoot me down like that, and moreover I was at a loss as to how one could reach an understanding of something by ceasing to try and understand it.  This yoga teacher was known for using the Sandskrit phrase "Neti, Neti" meaning Not this, Not that.  In hindsight, which is usually a little clearer.  I saw that she was challenging me to stop adding layers to the stories I was creating in order to give things meaning.  

This is where I think meditation comes in.  Meditation is the practice of being still, of being simply aware.  It teaches you to observe without attaching meaning.  Lesley D. reminded me that stillness does not imply emptiness; it is not meant to be a state free of thoughts, a common misconception about meditation.  Meditation is, in fact, not the experience of being blank, but that of noticing, being aware, being awake to the automatic habitual thoughts that come to us. So, it is meditative awareness that allows you to notice that you’re having a number of habitual thoughts while meditating. Know that with practice over time, you can strengthen the ability to notice yourself thinking and the ability to shift from thinking to being in the present moment. A quote by Ram Dass that Lesley recently used in class exemplifies this:

  “Our thoughts are always happening. Much like leaves floating down a stream…If you are standing by a river and a leaf floats by, you have your choice of following the leaf with your eye or keeping your attention fixed in front of you. The leaf floats out of your line of vision. Another leaf enters…and floats by. But as we stand on the bank of the river and the leaves float by, there is no confusion as to whether or not we are the leaves. Similarly, it turns out that there is a place in our minds from which we can watch our own mental images go by. We aren’t our thoughts any more than we are the leaves.” – Ram Dass and Paul Gorman

It is being in the present moment, fully aware that you find spaciousness.  In moving away from the thoughts to being, you create the space to See the things that have always been there.  Or that is what I am told ;-)  I have had my moments but there is always more to 'learn'.  Today I turn back to my Sadhana, my practice, and try to surrender to the stillness.  I look forward to the day I may be able to offer more 'insight' on this but for now I remember Richard Freeman's teaching principle:  "Teach what you know.  Do not teach what you do not know".