Belonging

Socrates said "the unexamined life is not worth living" ... so I had a thought, (you may not want to hold your breath as it is a little long winded) ;-)

I came to Brazil with a Plan.  A metaphorical map of how my time would be spent here.  One part of the plan was to write more frequently.  So far that has yet to happen.  Another part of the plan was to be more present in the everyday moments and not get lost in future planning which for me, causes a little bit of anxiety (but get this – apparently this happens to other people too.  Who knew!)

I have been in Rio for just shy of a month now and I don’t remember a time in my life when I have been so at peace.  I have been waiting for the inevitable shoe to drop.  To wake up feeling the familiar panic constraining my chest, much the same way you would feel if you woke up to Pavarotti straddling, box of Dunkin D’s in one hand and your panic button in the other! Yet, it hasn’t happened.  And I am genuinely and honestly perplexed.

Maybe it is that my life is simple here, or at least I have made it so.  I have no phone; I watch little to no TV, I check the news online, maybe once a week (more frequently if something imminent like the quake in Chile is brought to my attention).  I eat simple foods (one of the things I love most about Latin America is that you really have to go out of your way to try and find pre-made food), choosing to cook more often than not.  I delight in being in another culture, and for the first time feeling no pressure to have to become part of it.  There is no one invested in my becoming fluent in a specified amount of time, and I don’t need to figure out how everything works...unless, I want to.   Oh how I envied my friend Ian when he came to visit me in Buenos Aires.  He steadfastly refused to order anything in Spanish (even when I would tell him what to say), comfortable in his gringo vacationer self.  He would repeat “A coke please” until the waiter either got it or got frustrated and left.  Now, if I communicate with someone, it is because I want to and that makes it so simple yet somehow intimate…

The power of a genuine smile is indescribable.  You lock eyes with another human being and the feeling of connection is almost palpable.  Your face, or there’s, begins to register the hints of a smile or gesture of acknowledgement.  You intuitively know that you belong and are welcome exactly as you are.  It is this primal and universal need to belong that I believe makes us human.  I also believe it is at the root of most of our suffering.  Take a moment to imagine a time when you felt really sad, distressed or angry.  What is it you were really feeling or yearning for? 

I can remember moving to Argentina, which I did literally from one day to the next. (Now that doesn’t surprise you, does it?) I adore the Argentines for many reasons but one in particular is their penchant for making a holiday for EVERYTHING.  Dia del Amigos, literally meaning Day of friends, and I woke up homesick…Wondering what I had done in deciding to move to a country where I knew no one, couldn’t speak the language and had not visited since I was about 8! If things weren’t difficult enough, the entire country was out celebrating (and in my mind rubbing in my face) the very thing I was homesick for – the connection to the people in my life.  My friends!

Refusing to let this get the better of me, I decided to book myself a massage.  I needed something to do to fill the time but didn’t want to have to talk to anyone, or be somewhere that reminded me of how far away I was.  Apparently my subconscious was more clued in than I was for what I really had booked was an hour of human contact.  I needed to be touched both literally but also metaphorically – I needed to feel the sense of belonging that comes from the shared subjective experience of sameness.  What do I mean?

Think of your very first kiss.  Finding out that the teacher/boss/person that you look up to, also has doubts and moments of insecurity.  The feeling of shame when you put yourself out there for love and realize that it is not reciprocated.  Falling in love with your soul mate.  Do you remember the sense of connectedness or belonging you felt when you shared an experience with another person whom felt the same? Or the power of someone sitting next to you as you cry, giving you ‘permission’ to stay with your feelings…

Our suffering arises from our belief that we do not belong or that we are separate.  Noticing these beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves about not belonging, is the first step on the path of connectedness.  As a mini experiment, slow down and really try to feel the inner sensation next time you receive a genuine smile from a stranger.  What’s are the stories that we tell ourselves about our not belonging? That life is not turning out the way we planned? What else do we need before we can really be happy?  I mentioned that I had a plan when I came to Brazil but it was my clinging to this plan that was keeping me stuck and preventing me from experiencing the present moment. 

When we live in the present, moment-by-moment it is easier (not easy) to remain aware of our connectedness.  We don’t get lost in the material-isms, the unimportant details because we see that we have all that we need already.  This moment has it all and that is something I never really understood until I came here.  It took leaving everything behind in order to find what was always here – oh the irony.  Can you hear Alanis Morissette? 

“You live. You learn.”

“It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...”

I guess for me Brazil has allowed me to stop clinging to my plan of the way things should be.  And in letting go of the plan, I realized that there is no right way for things to be – there is beauty in living each day for what that day has to offer.  And this is not just true for the ‘good days’.  A very wise friend reminded me why yoga teachers are so lucky.  If we are having a bad day, a very emotional day, we don’t have to ‘pull it together’ before showing up to teach a class.  We just need to show up and tell the truth.  The only authentic way to connect is to connect to what’s real in the body, in this moment.  That is why I love going to a yoga class – it provides a safe space to feel whatever it is you are feeling, in the company of others, yet like my being in Brazil you do not need to communicate unless you want to.

Now this was more than just a thought, and there is soo much more that can be said but for now I will leave you with this as I need to go for a run …

Brazilian Top 10 List

1. I have been in Rio now for two weeks, and I still find it strange when people pass by and say "Oi".  For me "oi" is Cockney slang for 'hey' (as in, 'Oi, ya bloody wanker!') and not the informal, and well meant 'hi' used by Cariocas here. 

2. It is perfectly acceptable to wear Jesus-sandals and a speedo to walk around town.

3.  Agua de Coco!!!

4. There is really is the feeling of being comfortable in your own skin, so much so that no matter what your size or shape it is recommended if not mandatory to seek out and wear the smallest bikinis one can find.  Think G-string!

5. The legendary Globo biscuits, or “Biscoitos Globo”, as they are called in Portuguese. To make sure you have the right idea of the importance of these biscuits, not eating them when visiting Rio is similar to going to Mykonos and not trying the Greek gyro.
I was not entirely sure how I felt about these 'air donuts' made from manioc flour - it is definitely an acquired taste and texture but the longer I am here the more addictive they become.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are assaulted by Globo vendors everywhere in Rio, from the beach to the middle of the highway in the midst of a downpour!

6. Brazilians love of everything colorful - kind of reminds me of living in Bermuda.  There is no such thing as a muted color and forget the slimming black pieces you have from your NYC wardrobe as they are not encouraged unless that is the basis for your color explosion for the day ;-)

7.  Like Argentina there are beautiful dogs all over the place but unlike Argentina, Cariocas actually know what curbing your dog means!  Although my sister didn't know what it meant so maybe that was a bad example...let's just say in Rio you can actually look ahead of you while you walk whereas in Argentina one quickly acquires the skill of walking with your eyes scanning in front of your feet while managing to not walk into anything.

8. The bus system!  You take a bus say #570 to Gavea.  #570 has a predetermined route just like buses in most other countries but here they 'can' veer off course at the driver's discretion.  Moreover you actually have to white knuckle anything you can reach so that when the bus takes a corner of unexpected bump you do not fly up and hit your head on the ceiling!

9. Botecos (very casual open sided bars all over Rio and in some of the most random places) showing a TV novelas and/or soccer match will cause equal passionate cries if the channel is switched while a Carioca is watching!  And when I saw watching - I am including the informal gatherings of people that hang around outside the Botecos to watch free tv or take in the scene.

10.  Speaking of watering holes - one cannot forget the Caipirinha - my one Brazilian vice...so far (Sorry Kim but had to try the real thing while I was here ;-)

10 + 1.  I would have to add Capoeira after watching Cece (Kimberly's 2 1/2 year old practicing yesterday)!!

To teach or not to teach?

Was it almost a year ago that I was sitting in northern Thailand, defending all the reasons as to why I was taking a yoga teacher training with no intention of ever teaching?  Out of 21 students, 2 of us bonded over the shared desire to deepen our own practices without actually teaching a class ourselves.  There was some solace in knowing that there was an end in sight to the practice teaches that were a required part of our training.  There was no way that I was going to be putting myself through that anxiety, by choice, on a daily basis!  

Sara and Kimberly, the women holding the training, sat motionlessly, holding my gaze while trying to restrain the hint of smiles that were slowly forming on their faces.  Almost in unison they chimed "I bet you will change your mind by the end of the training"... (I have to say, in that moment, my internal voice was like "um, yeah, okay - sure, I'll teach, just as soon as I get over that small physiological reaction (brought on by standing up in front of a group to do anything) that results in my either passing out (usually while giving myself a nice concussion in the process), or worse yet, throwing up on the ankles and shoes of my eager audience (and yes, yes I have been THAT girl).

Little did I know that today was going to be the day that Kimberly would pass on that proverbial baton.  I showed up at her studio at 9am ready for what I thought was going to be our one-on-one practice.  As she opened the door, there was this slightly dazed but smiling face staring back at me.  
"Hey can you look at my head? I think I might need stitches.  Are you squeamish?"  Disguised by her thick red hair, was an open gash that definitely looked like it needed stitches and much to Kimberly's annoyance, I told her that no, it was not okay to wait a few hours before going to the hospital as once the wound begins to heal it can't really be stitched.  Had I known then that my concern for her scalp would be the ticket to my first class I might have kept my mouth closed!  

Within 5 minutes of my arriving, Kimberly deciding that yes she did in fact have to be stitched up, students arrived ready for Kimberly's class (And for those of you that have not had the opportunity to practice with Kim - I agree with Sara 100% when she introduced Kimberly at our teacher training saying that "she might just be one of the best yoga teachers alive and practicing today").  "Well I guess this is going to be your chance - do you have a sequence you want to teach or would you like me to leave you with something?"  I will be honest when I say that I don't think what she said even registered (for those of you that know the me, I can't drink coffee before practicing in the morning so you can imagine how good I am in the mornings!)  Within another two minutes, Kimberly reminded me how to modify a few of the poses for pregnancy (one of the women was 35 or 36 weeks in - EEEEEEK) and said "don't worry if there is any trouble being understood, you can always switch to Spanish as one of the girls is Cuban!" - Thanks Kim, what a relief :-)

 And with that Cinderella left the ball...

To my delight I did not injure anyone - or more importantly faint or loose my breakfast, I actually think that the 'bump' which was moving A LOT on its own accord kept me adequately freaked out and distracted, so that nerves were not even really an issue.  Picture a pregnant woman lying on a pillow supporting her back and head with her eyes closed, while the baby moves across her abdomen so that you can see its form 'resting' fully along her left side - before taking a swim around to the other side...it was really like watching a movie about demonic possession but with a beautiful miracle replacing the demon part ;-)

I can honestly say I have no idea how the class was perceived by the students although I am sure I will get feedback through Kim (my experience with prenatal yoga to date is pretty much summed up in the above photo).  But I guess more to the point - Kimberly and Sara were right when they lovingly suggested that maybe I would change my mind about teaching.  As a wise female yogi once said to me - its all about balancing what you want with what you need - today I clearly needed to be reminded of what I needed! (Now if they could just figure out the rest of my life that would be perfect!)


P.s. Just goes to show the dedication of the teachers I have been lucky enough to study with.  If I didn't know better I would actually think Kimberly had planned this all exactly as it happened ;-)  I can't thank the teachers I have had to date, and the yogis/friends, enough for all the love and support you have given to me- wanted or unwanted.  So I am going to borrow my friend Larkin's words as I don't think I could have said it better myself:

"I have adopted the belief that our 'calling' is simply the string of choices we chose to make - those that have the courage to make the bold choice to follow their true feelings are those we say have found their 'calling'.... I further believe that you cannot make a bad choice only one that is less true to yourself".   

Studying in Thailand, traveling in Vietnam and Cambodia, Studying in NYC and now studying and teaching in Brazil - who would have thought...these have by far been the best choices of my life to date...

Sara and Kimberly are joining forces again to teach the first ever women's teacher training in Boulder CO - if you have the chance I would highly recommend this training!!! http://www.thewayofthehappywoman.com/womensyogateachertraining/